The Beach Ball Reality of Fierce Conversations
Have you ever walked away from a conversation and realised the most important thing went unsaid?
Maybe you rehearsed it in your head a hundred times. Maybe you thought, “Now’s not the right moment,” or “They can’t handle it,” or “It’s not worth the drama.” So you said nothing—or you said something half-true, filtered, edited, safe.
It’s so common we don’t even notice we’re doing it anymore.
For those of us with fast brains and sensitive hearts, the idea of speaking truthfully—unfiltered, unmasked—can feel like standing on a stage with the spotlight too bright. We tell ourselves we’re protecting others. But often, we’re protecting ourselves. From rejection. From judgment. From emotion we’re not sure we know how to hold.
In Fierce Conversations, Susan Scott calls this out with clarity and compassion in her second core principle:
Come out from behind yourself, into the conversation, and make it real.
Because until you do, nothing can truly change.
“They Can’t Handle It” – Or Can’t We?
We say:
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“They’ll get defensive.”
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“They’ll cry.”
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“They’ll retaliate.”
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“They won’t talk about it.”
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“They’ll never speak to me again.”
But here’s the truth: when we say “They can’t handle it,” what we often mean is I can’t handle their reaction. We’re afraid we won’t know what to do with their disappointment, silence, or sadness.
For those of us with ADHD, this fear often runs even deeper. It’s called Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) — a nervous system response that turns even the possibility of disapproval into a full-body shutdown. It’s not drama. It’s a very real emotional sensitivity that makes honest conversations feel dangerous.
So instead of being real, we hold back. We mask. We avoid. And in doing so, we disconnect — not just from the other person, but from ourselves.
The Committee on Your Shoulder
We all have a little committee on our shoulder — inner voices, thought gremlins that hijack our focus and ultimately sabotage our ability to connect. They convince us to hold back “for our own good.”
In my NeuroSpicy Saboteur Quiz, we give these characters names. Meet a few of the crew:
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People-Pleasing Pixie (the People-Pleaser): “Don’t rock the boat.”
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Task Dodger (the Avoider): “Just let it go. It’s not worth it.”
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Detail Demon (the Perfectionist): “Don’t speak unless it’s flawless.”
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Gremlin of Gloom (the Inner Critic): “You’re probably wrong anyway.”
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Captain Chaos (the Over-Helper): “Just fix it yourself. Don’t bother them.”
These saboteurs mean well — they want to protect us from rejection, conflict, or shame. But their tactics? Totally outdated. And if you’re always filtering your voice through fear, no one ever really gets to hear you.
Coming Out From Behind Starts With Looking Within
This principle isn’t just about being honest with others. It’s about being honest with yourself.
Before you can come out from behind yourself in a conversation, you need to know who’s showing up.
That means:
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Recognising your saboteurs and how they operate
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Noticing what you’re afraid of and where it came from
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Releasing old emotional baggage you’re carrying into the room
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Reconnecting to your values so you can speak from truth, not protection
Real conversations require self-awareness first — because otherwise, you’re not communicating, you’re reacting.
The Danger of Unreal Conversations
We often fool ourselves into thinking that avoiding hard truths keeps everything running smoothly. But in reality, it creates distance, resentment, and disconnection.
We begin building a list of “Undiscussables” — silent, sticky things no one names aloud.
“While many are afraid of real, it is the unreal conversation that should scare us to death.”
— Susan Scott
Unreal conversations happen when:
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We pretend everything’s fine
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We speak around the issue
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We say what’s expected, not what’s true
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We minimise our own needs to keep the peace
They may feel safe in the short term, but they’re corrosive over time. They leave us feeling unknown, unappreciated, and unmet. Relationships drift. Teams disengage. Spouses disconnect. People leave — jobs, homes, partnerships — because the thing that needed to be said never was.
“Whoever said talk is cheap was mistaken. Unreal conversations are incredibly expensive.”
From Surface Chat to Substance: The Beach Ball of Reality
One of the most powerful metaphors in Fierce Conversations is the Beach Ball model.
Imagine you’re standing on the blue stripe of a beach ball. That’s your truth — your story, perspective, experience.
But someone else is standing on the red stripe. Another is on green. Someone else sees yellow.
Each person sees only their part of the ball. The truth? No one sees the full picture alone.
Your role in a fierce conversation is to:
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Share your stripe honestly and clearly
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Invite the other person to share their view
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Walk around the ball together to understand the full reality
This is what it means to interrogate reality — from all sides, with openness instead of blame.
You’re not there to convince them that your truth is the truth. You’re there to explore both truths — and co-create understanding.
Confrontation Isn’t Conflict
Many people hear “confrontation” and think of aggression, arguments, or uncomfortable emotions. But in Fierce Conversations, confrontation is actually an act of clarity and care.
It means:
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Naming the real issue (often together)
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Making the conversation about the problem, not the person
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Holding space for feelings without spiralling into blame
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Leaving judgment and assumptions at the door
When both people bring truth and curiosity, you move from conflict to collaboration. You’re not fighting each other. You’re standing side-by-side, facing a shared problem.
Close the Integrity Gap: Show Up Clean
Before stepping into any meaningful conversation, ask yourself:
Is there a gap between what I believe and how I’m about to behave?
That’s the integrity gap — the space between your values and your current approach.
If you say you value honesty but you’re avoiding the truth…
If you say you want connection but you’re leading with control…
If you say you value kindness but you’re armed with blame…
Then the conversation is already compromised.
Coming out from behind yourself means closing that gap before you speak. It means showing up with clear intent, real self-awareness, and a willingness to hear as much as to speak.
Ask yourself:
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Why does this conversation matter?
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What am I truly hoping to shift or understand?
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Am I open to seeing their side — not just defending mine?
You don’t need to be perfect. You just need to be real — and ready.
A NeuroSpicy Reflection
Before your next important conversation, pause and reflect:
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Am I editing myself out of the moment?
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What would it feel like to speak from truth, kindly and clearly?
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What’s the emotional wake I want to leave behind?
You don’t need a perfect script.
You just need the courage to come out from behind yourself — and speak.
Because when the conversation is real, the change begins before it’s even over.